OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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