On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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