You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
