matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
