i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
