she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
