Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
