it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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