Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
