I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
