Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
