Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
