Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
