Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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