You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I'm so fucking centered right now
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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