Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
