Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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