I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
my poor anus
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
