I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
