Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
