So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
