Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
NoShamevember. You game?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
