i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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