I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
