I cannot find my penis.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Randomize