your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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