And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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