new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
