I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
