I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize