the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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