puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
