I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
