Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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