Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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