The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
