Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
