I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
