before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
