So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
