We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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