I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He did a backflip because drugs
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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