I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
