His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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