my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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