If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize