dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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