I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize