Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
