i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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