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I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
