i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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