u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
