OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
