Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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