I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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