i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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