I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
