You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
