i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
