omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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