new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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