I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
